Thank You, Kanye.

You are a douchebag. That's all there is to it.
No need to go on a rant here, I think for once the nation is in agreement. In fact, this is the most bi-partisan issue our nation has ever faced. Not since the great 'Puppies are Cute' debate of '47, or even the monumental 'Mosquitoes are Annoying' decision of 1884 has there been this much consensus in our nation. Blue, red, black, white, young and old alike, we are all on the same side on this one.
Well, all except Kanye.

In the midst of the summer's heated battles over health care reform and senior death panels, with two useless wars depleting our resources and killing thousands while dividing our nation, with an energy crisis with no end, flu on the horizon, hurricanes and terrorists, there is one area in which we are all one.

We all hate Kanye.

To that, Douchebag, on behalf of America, thank you.

Thank you, Kanye!

Florida (Sorry Mom!)

Florida sucks. That's all there is to it. Almost as bad as Texas. Maybe even worse. While we are all blatantly aware of the suckiness of Texas, Florida is a bit sneakier. The Sunshine State. That sounds so nice! It has sunshine!

And Jesus. Now, nothing is wrong with Jesus. I'm sure he was a hell of a guy. But he most definitely has no place on a state controlled taxpayer funded license plate.

That's right, the Sunshine State has made it ok to order custom designed plates, featuring your favorite 2000 year old dead guy. Not the regular old vanity plates, either. If you are clever enough to come up with something jesus-y with the standard use of letters and numbers, than power to you. Or to him. Whatever. But these are different. These actually have pictures. Crucifixion pictures. Religious pictures.

Paint your car Jesus colored. Hell, put a giant cross on your hood. I don't give a shit. But do not use one cent of my tax dollars to do it.


It turns out, a far worse practice has been going on in the Sunshine Up Your Ass State for a while now. "Choose Life" license plates. That's right, you can use your state issued identification plate to inform me of your desire to save unborn collections of cells and kill doctors. Why have we allowed our states to get involved in this ridiculous battle?

What the fuck, Florida? It wasn't enough that your ineptitude caused 8 years of pain and suffering in the world by your failure to properly count, but now you want to destroy one of the most basic principles of our constitution?

Get with it, Florida. Even Texas knows better. They separate Church and State by making the State Christian and and the governor Satan. Easy!

See all the available Florida plates

Betty Brown

Or "Bet Bro" as I like to call her.

Apparently everything isn't bigger in Texas.

What is: egos, xenophobia, racism and ignorance.

What isn't: respect, understanding, intelligence, and Asian's names.

Texas Republican state lawmaker Betty Brown has suggested that Asians shorten their names to make it easier on Americans.

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?” Brown remarked to the Texas House Elections Committee.

I gotta say, her use of "behoove" thoroughly impressed me. She has a firm grasp on English - I understand it's a rather difficult language.

She made the comment after the Chinese American representative, Ramey Ko, said some people of Asian decent had trouble voting because their legal name may differ from the English name they use on their driver's licenses.

What did she propose for Mr. Ko to do? Just start going by K?

Bet Bro of Tex, u r a huge dou-ba.

Wallgreens

Wallgreens, the pillar of respectability in the retail kingdom, has made a decision to save us all.

They have pulled "Chia-Obama" from their shelves. Oh, don't worry, you can still get a presidential chia at chiaobama.com. Just no longer at Wallgreens.

This sucks, as Wallgreens is for me, as for most, my primary destination for Chia shopping.

The company sites "getting a few complaints about the item" as its reason to discontinue sales.

Well, in such a rightous and moral environment as this, what CAN you buy at Wallgreens?

The Intelligender Prediction Test, KY Intense Arousal Gel For Her, HydroxyCut Waitloss Formula, Delux Gopher Pick-up and Reaching Tool, Urine-Gone, Marshmallow Popper Gun, Sonic Personal Sound Amplifyer (you know, the thing to spy on people talking about you!), The Liberator Sex Ramp, Pleasure Enhancer Tablets for Women, Durex Play Intimacy Kit, and, of course, brought to you by our favorite solicitor of prostitution, the ShamWow!

No Chia-Obama though. That's offensive!

the Grammys...

Robert Plant said in his acceptance speech that this used to be called “selling out”. Got some news for you, Robert…

Neil Diamond’s spoken word performance…

Paul McCartney. Why do you have to be the only Beatle left?

But still, my heart belongs to the biggest Douche of them all…

---------------------------

I don’t understand the Jonas Bros. I just don't get it. They’re playing with Stevie Wonder on the Grammy’s?!!

Stevie. Oh Stevie. If you could see yourself right now.

It’s like he’s been working through a bucket list or something.

Superbowl: Check. Lifetime Achievement Award: Check.

Boy Band: Check.

He’s letting these douchfags sing superstition? And the Ralph Machio looking kid fucked up the lyrics.

“Better wash your face and hands? “ Did he just say that? (bum bum bum bum-bumbum bum-bumbum)

Awesome. Blink 182. So cool they’re still around. They just announced they’re getting back together. I’m not sure anyone knew they had broken up. Did it matter? Does it matter? Pop Punk is so relevant. Blink One Eighty Green Day is really awesome. Really, really awesome.

Best Rock album – Coldplay. Rock? ROCK??!!!!!

Don’t they have a pussy alternative category anymore? I mean. Metallica was in the same category as Coldplay! Let me say that again so you can really think about it:

Metallica was in the same category as Coldplay.

And lost. Of course, don’t even get me started on Metallica. Used to think they were cool and badass. Then it turns out they were the kids who tried to hang out with the real cool badass kids, but when they weren’t invited to the party they turned around and called the cops on it. Douchebags.

The Coldplay guy was gonna cry. There’s not crying in rock!! How about Coldplay being in the same category for some of these things as Radiohead! Not possible. How can a band that has tried so hard to be Radiohead actually be in competition with them? Bullshit. Radiohead should kick their asses! Now that would be a Grammy show!

And just to make it worse, it turns out they still have the alternative category, and Radiohead won. But Coldplay rocks.

Wow. Kanye West is something. Something alright. He’s like Bobby Brown and Puff Diddy all in one.

Wow. Girl with Kanye. That trash bag you’re wearing is very futuristic. At least it has pockets.

I think the best new artist is the only one that should be allowed to cry and freak out when they win. I mean, get over yourselves, people. At least the musicians aren’t half as bad as the actors. I saw a few minutes of the Oscars or one of those shows a few weeks ago. What a bunch of pretentious bullshit! That bitch from Titanic was crying her eyes out, thanking every fucking person in the world that made this miracle possible. She’s a fucking actress. She has a particular skill for which she is employed, same as the guy who cleans out the urinals at the movie theater. It’s a job. Get over it. You act. As anyone who has ever been a bartender, waitress, or really any position in customer service/relations can tell you, it’s fucking easy! Remember playing make believe as a kid? Now imagine getting millions of dollars for it. You don’t deserve an award, let alone to stand on stage crying about it for 10 minutes!

But I digress...

TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING GLASSES!!!!!! Goddammit, Bono is such a fucking Douchebag.

The guy who posted pictures of Michael Phelps taking bong hits

I mean, come on asshole.

Here is someone relaxing with friends, getting high, and harming no one. You know nothing is wrong with that. You most likely do that. You know that more than 60% of our country does that. You also know that the other 40% has a shit-ton of power, and is backed by the Christian Conservative Nazi Right. And you know how damaging a photo like this would be to an Olympic athlete, National Hero, roll model and all around public figure like Phelps.

All you are doing is strengthening the position of the anti-drug Nazi’s in this world. The hoops of public apologies Phelps has had to jump through, all they do is reaffirm the stranglehold on this nation that the Conservatives have.

And for what? What did you get out of this? Did you make a few dollars? Did you possibly destroy the image of a well liked public figure?

You were at this party, most likely getting high yourself. You obviously did not disapprove, or were not offended by Phelps’ actions.

So why the photo? Why the public posting?

Is it perhaps that you are a douchebag?

Wall Street

18 billion dollars!

That’s a shit-ton of money. Most of us cannot even wrap our poor little brains around that number. Most of us will never have a million dollars. Or 18 million dollars. But 18 billion dollars? Too difficult to imagine. Lets add some perspective.

The new stimulus plan passed by congress and heading to senate, where it is surely to be passed as well, is for $819 billion dollars. We won’t even get into that amount, or the disastrous effect it will have on you and I. Well, ok, we’ll get into a little. Where do you think that money actually comes from? It’s ours! Yours! But, no, you won’t have to actually chip in on it. It’s a tricky secret tax. See, the Fed will pull this money out of their assholes to give to the government as a loan. A loan that will never be paid back. So where does it really come from? Well, the money in your pocket just dropped in value. By how much, I don’t know, but since the Fed and the US government started operating this way together in 1913, the dollar has dropped in value by 96%.

Think about it.

But I digress.

My outrage at the inflation this supposed ‘stimulus’ package will eventually created will be saved for another day. For now we are talking about 18 billion dollars. (You have to say Billion in your head in real maniacal way with an evil laugh. If you have a white cat, stroke it).

Why 18 billion? In case you haven’t heard, it was reported that Wall Street executives, from the very companies receiving the $819 billion bailout, were paid $18 billion dollars in bonuses in 2008! Did you get a bonus in 2008? You and I are paying these people $819 billion, and they already gave themselves $18 billion! I could repeat this over and over, but it will still blow me away. The failing markets responsible in part for the mess we are in thought it ok to give themselves bonuses. The 6th largest amount in bonuses in history! In 2008!!

This stimulus package contains a $500 payroll credit for most working Americans.

Let’s look at this.

If 18 billion was distributed to EVERY American, it ends up being about $60 a piece. Divided among adults over 18, it’s closer to $80. Factor out folks over 65, and it’s about $100. Considering the average working American is only going to see $500 in a payroll credit from this bailout, I think this number is significant.

It is amazingly difficult to obtain details about where this money is going. For some reason they don’t want us to know. Obama has promised to post online the spending details so we may track it, but not until after it is passed. We are kept in the dark. I do know about $9 billion is going to help repair the country’s infrastructure – roads, bridges, tunnels, and levees. Levees. Think they need some help? And they are getting a portion of the infrastructure money which is HALF of what Wall Street got in bonuses!

Part of this stimulus is aimed at job creation. It’s estimated that by investing $100 billion, over two years, the US could create 2 million jobs. That’s 2,000 jobs for every billion dollars. So $18 billion could theoretically create 360,000 jobs! Would that help?? (I know it’s not as simple as this, but humor me on this one. )

So, what can we do? GET PISSED OFF! The President and/or congress can ask for this money back. That’s right. We want the $18 Billion Dollars! I would be thrilled to get a check for $100 out of the pocket of some rich Wall Street exec who doesn’t deserve it. Never mind the other billions he is about to receive! Better yet, I would gladly give up my portion of the $18 billion to see it used for something needed in this country. Fix the roads bridges and levees. Give a raise to every teacher in America. Put it towards public healthcare. Anything. Just don’t allow some douchebag to put an addition on his place in the Hamptons.

Mr. President, Please, on behalf of the American people, take back our $18 Billion!!!!